Bryson’s "Liquid Gold”

by Amy

Even when I felt I'd lost everything, I still had something invaluable to give... Bryson’s “liquid gold” or breast milk and a chance at life for other sick infants. This realization came about when I felt that through my heartbreak, I still had some purpose as Bryson’s Mommy. (All thanks to my forever babies, Bryson and his previously past sibling, Joey Skylor, for giving me this insight. I'm such a proud Mommy! Even though their lives were so short and some people wouldn't even say they had lived, they have come together to save the lives of others.)

It is said that all life has a purpose, maybe the short lives of my angel babies were to inspire their Mommy, giving hope, courage, and the strength to save the life of someone else’s baby, though I could do nothing for my own. A woman who pumps breast milk is said to be expressing her milk. For me, donating Bryson’s breast milk is the only physical way to express my love for my angel babies; To keep their memory alive and give meaning to their short lives, not only to me but to complete strangers as well.

The other invaluable benefit would be to prevent another family from feeling the deepest, most horrific pain, grief, and despair ever imaginable… the loss of a precious child and all the hopes and dreams that went with that new little life. I have faith that the Lord, along with Bryson and Joey Skylor, will continue to help me through my grief and continue to guide me through the donation process.

As of today, January 22nd, 2011, exactly 12 weeks since Bryson was born, I have collected about 4200oz or about 32 gallons of his milk (pumping every 3-4 hours through the day and night). I often think back to a quote in Pat Schweibert’s book, When Hello Means Goodbye: “My body had its own grief. And its tears were white.” Mommy will always love you Joey Skylor and Bryson! You can read more about our story at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.

Amy's Faces of Hope story (just scroll down to the post date of Thursday, January 6, 2011). Amy's Faces of Loss story

Cindy & Aiden's Story

My son was delivered stillborn at 22 weeks. He was beautiful and perfect. We named him Aiden, he was our first baby. My milk came in and I had no support or guidance. I was in hysterics on the phone with my doctors office asking for help. They offered vicodin (I am allergic to it) no sorry your baby died, nothing...

I had 3 more miscarriages total and now have 2 living children whom I breastfed. The experience I had with my stillborn son was horrific and I want to spare other moms the pain and loneliness I experienced. The breastfeeding experience with my living children was/is wonderful.

I am now studying to become a lactation consultant so that I can help other mothers with breastfeeding and also reach out to mothers who have lived through the loss of their baby.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story, in memory of our angel babies;
Aiden
Zachary
Keainey
Eireanne

and our living miracles
Cian and Chloe

Rebecca's Story

My child was stillborn at six months gestation after an induced labor, when we were told he had absolutely no hope of surviving. He had a severe blockage in his ureter, so that urine had backed up into his abdominal cavity, damaging his kidneys, lungs and heart. The doctors said that he would either die before full term, or if he survived, he would either die shortly after birth or have a short and painful life of many, many operations and hospitalizations.

It was the most terrible decision I have ever made and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I couldn't bear the thought of just waiting for him to die while things just went more and more wrong inside of me....that didn't seem like the right parenting decision to me....there was no right choice, only a few shitty ones.

My milk came in the next day, the day we left him to be cremated. I was so tired, so bruised, and then my breasts were incredibly engorged and hot and painful. My poor body just wanted to feed my baby.

Kim's Daughter...

One evening in my 18th week of pregnancy I had a sharp pain in my abdomen that doubled me over. I was home alone, as my husband was working that evening. I called my ob who happened to be on call that night. After a long talk and the fact that I wasn't having any other discomfort, she told me it was probably a muscle cramp and to take it easy and call if anything else happened.

It was late and so I laid on the couch and dozed until my husband came home. I woke up at that time and was having a couple of "cramps". Now I realize they were contractions. Then I got up to go the bathroom and I was bleeding. I screamed for my husband. We got in the car and rushed to the hospital.

When we got there they took me back right away and then off to ultrasound. I could still hear her heartbeat during the ultrasound and saw her move. Found out when back in ER that "there's nothing we can do your baby is gone". I was in shock! I had just heard the heartbeat!! How can the baby be gone!

My doctor then showed up and we went to the birthing center. She explained that I was having a placental abruption. We were devastated. They were going to take me in for a D&C because I wouldn't stop bleeding, but I begged her not to and she agreed.

I was then taken to a room and given pitocin to help me deliver. About 1 1/2- 2 hrs. later I delivered my beautiful baby girl still completely in her bag of water. No nurse or doctor where in the room when I delivered. She was so tiny, 6 3/4" long, but fully formed with all her fingers and toes.

They came in and showed her to us and then took her and cleaned her up and dressed her and wrapped her in a blanket. I held her and we cried. My family was there with us for part of the time. I had to stay overnight because of the bleeding. They shouldn't make you stay in the birthing center when you've experienced a loss. You shouldn't have to be around all the happy people and hear babies crying.

They gave us the clothes she was wearing, the blanket, a picture and her hand & footprints. We decided to let her be used for research. I know to some that seems heartless, but for us it was a chance to help other families with the research obtained. For us it was our chance to give. We have a beautiful momento box my father made with every little thing I have that was given to us. Her name is: Emily Lenore Fusco Lost: 07/08/2001 She was our first angel and first child. We will always love her and miss her.

Vicki's Story

My precious daughter died at 18 weeks of pregnancy, I knew something was dreadfully wrong, I felt so different, I couldn't feel her move and so we went for a scan 2 days later. She had died a few days before. Our grief was enormous, and the labour was long and painful, much worse than with my live and full-term babies. My body struggled to let her go...

I had breastfed my other children but I was totally unprepared. I had no idea that my milk would come so early in pregnancy. It was a huge shock and watching my precious milk flow down the drain was more than I could bear.

There was no local milk bank for me to give to and I knew no one who had a tiny baby in need of my milk, so I watched it flow away, weeping every time and feeling so alone.

The OB said there would be no milk...

When I miscarried at 17 weeks I had to have a D & C. I asked about milk. The ObGyn said it was too early, there wouldn't be any. I had nursed my first child for 3+ years - she was 4 1/2 at the time. A couple of days after the D & C I was in the shower and my breasts were tender. I touch them and milk came out. I hand expressed in the shower for a couple of days. I had a similar experience a few years later, another second trimester miscarriage. At the time I was nursing my second daughter, she was 2 1/2 so any milk that would have come in was taken care of by nursing her.

~Leigh Anne
New York, NY

Karin's Story

After my baby was born and died at 19 weeks, we were devastated. He was to be our first baby. I was told that it was possible that my milk would come in and if it did, I should bind my breasts with an ace bandage to dry them up. I did not realize that this medical advice was not based in evidence and could have been potentially harming. Although it was painful it was also somehow fitting that my milk came in fully on the day of my son's burial. My body was aching to have him in my arms just as my heart was aching for him as well. I didn't realize that my body would make milk for a baby that could never have survived.

I must have looked engorged, because a sweet aunt asked if my milk had come in and reassured me that my body hadn't failed (as I was afraid it had by birthing a son too early), because it had known what to do to take care of this baby. It helped me to hope for the future.