We were full term (38 1/2 weeks) with our second child, our first son, Kenton, and went to the hospital on Wed. night to induce him. The nurse brought me into the room and began to hook up the contraction and heart rate monitor, and immediately I knew that SOMETHING was wrong. She stayed calm and tried to reassure me, but they brought in an ultrasound technician, and they wouldn't tell me anything, but I have had enough us's in my life to know that there was no heartbeat.
Finally the nurse came back in the room after having called my OB to tell me that the heartbeat just wasn't there. It was a total shock, and then the realization hit me that I was still going to have to go through the delivery process... during that 6 1/2 hours, I went through all of the stages of grief, but with the support of my amazing husband and family, we decided right then and there that we were going to find some way to use this as an opportunity to serve others.
We cried, mourned, prayed, etc. over and over again, but even in the midst of our grief, there was an unbelievable sense of peace that God placed over us. It allowed me to know God even better - my son had been taken from me, but God sent His son to die for us - and as morbid as that might sound, it made me feel better!
The next day I had the daunting task of trying to tell our 2 1/2 year old daughter what happened to the baby brother she had been waiting for so long to meet. She took it surprisingly well, although I know that there will come a time or two that she will need more explanation.
My sister-in-law is a doula and lactation specialist, so she is the one who suggested donating the milk, but she didn't get there until 3 days later. I pumped 3 times a day or whenever I felt full to avoid engorgement. I wish I had someone on staff at the hospital who was there at the beginning of our journey mention all the possibilities to me.
I do want to share out there to other women who might be going through this to take pictures with their baby - a great organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep took pictures of Kenton that I will treasure forever, and will be great when my daughter and future children grow up and ask about their brother.
Keep your treasures - it's not holding on to the past, but hanging on to a piece of what lies in your future when you get to hold your happy baby in Heaven!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Elijah Patrick Cropp
Elijah Patrick Cropp was born on March 20, 2008 at 8:20pm in Nashville, Tennessee. He was born still after an umbilical cord accident in utero. He was absolutely perfect!
I had the priviledge of having personal midwives attend my birth. They were my friends, we worked together. My birth was everything I wanted it to be under the circumstances.
The days and weeks that followed were the worst in my life, ever. But, thinking back to my birth I am not saddened, I am overjoyed with the time I had with my son. I wish I had held him skin-to-skin and taken pictures of his naked body. We were blessed to have a photographer with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come to take fabulous pictures of our family.
I miss my little Elijah something terrible. However, we have had another child since then and she has been a healing power in my life. She is a distraction, not a replacement. Grief of Elijah gets easier and easier with time; but I also hate that it gets easier. Nursing my babies is a huge part of my life. I wish I had been able to nurse Elijah. You can peek into our world by watching our slideshow.
I had the priviledge of having personal midwives attend my birth. They were my friends, we worked together. My birth was everything I wanted it to be under the circumstances.
The days and weeks that followed were the worst in my life, ever. But, thinking back to my birth I am not saddened, I am overjoyed with the time I had with my son. I wish I had held him skin-to-skin and taken pictures of his naked body. We were blessed to have a photographer with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come to take fabulous pictures of our family.
I miss my little Elijah something terrible. However, we have had another child since then and she has been a healing power in my life. She is a distraction, not a replacement. Grief of Elijah gets easier and easier with time; but I also hate that it gets easier. Nursing my babies is a huge part of my life. I wish I had been able to nurse Elijah. You can peek into our world by watching our slideshow.
Vicki's Story
My precious daughter died at 18 weeks of pregnancy, I knew something was dreadfully wrong, I felt so different, I couldn't feel her move and so we went for a scan 2 days later. She had died a few days before. Our grief was enormous, and the labour was long and painful, much worse than with my live and full-term babies. My body struggled to let her go...
I had breastfed my other children but I was totally unprepared. I had no idea that my milk would come so early in pregnancy. It was a huge shock and watching my precious milk flow down the drain was more than I could bear.
There was no local milk bank for me to give to and I knew no one who had a tiny baby in need of my milk, so I watched it flow away, weeping every time and feeling so alone.
I had breastfed my other children but I was totally unprepared. I had no idea that my milk would come so early in pregnancy. It was a huge shock and watching my precious milk flow down the drain was more than I could bear.
There was no local milk bank for me to give to and I knew no one who had a tiny baby in need of my milk, so I watched it flow away, weeping every time and feeling so alone.
Laura's Story
During my 1st pregnancy (2002), I was twenty-five, and considered myself to be a knowledgeable person. I had just started the second trimester of my pregnancy and was healthy, other than being asthmatic & slightly overweight. I had a 3D ultrasound done at 27w4d to try and figure out the sex and everything seemed fine. We were told the baby was a girl.
The following weekend my husband and I attended a NASCAR race and were in the infield almost the entire time. On Monday morning, as I got ready for work, I realized that I had not felt my baby move since Friday. Up until that point the baby was very active on a regular basis. I immediately panicked and became hysterical. I called my OB and spoke with a nurse who told me to come in right away. I saw the Dr., who told me that everything was fine; it was just because I was overweight and the baby changed positions that I could not feel movements.
I left feeling reassured, because the Doctor gave me an explanation. The next day at work I started feeling cramps, like during menstruation and they were quite frequent. I mentioned this to a few female co-workers during lunch. They all said it was normal. The cramps became more painful and frequent. I was worried, so I called my Dr. again & his nurse told me it was Braxton Hicks contractions and not to worry. I was 28 weeks,4 days at this point.
So, a few days later I saw my OB again, this time for my normal appt at 29 weeks. He used a Doppler to listen for the heartbeat and then asked me to get dressed and come into his office. I went in and he told me that he needed me to meet him at the hospital to confirm something.
I got to the hospital and was directed to Labor & Delivery. I was clueless as to what was happening. My Doctor came in with a portable ultrasound machine, did a quick ultrasound and told me "the baby does not have a heartbeat". From there, it was mostly a blur. I was induced and delivered our first child, a son about 12 hours later. I went home from the hospital without a baby and two days later endured my most difficult and painful Mother's Day ever.
The day after Mother's Day was even more horrible than the days before. I woke up with huge rocks where my breasts used to be. I was in shock and in a tremendous amount of pain. I had no idea my milk would come in. Naively, I thought that since my baby was born dead, my body would not produce milk. Not a single person at the Hospital had mentioned anything.
I called my OB's office and asked what I could do to alleviate the pain and make the milk go away. I was told to take ibuprofen and apply ice. That's it. I still remember being in extreme pain at my son's funeral, a week after he was born. It seemed so cruel that the same body that could not grow a healthy child could produce the miracle of breastmilk. I felt mocked and cheated all at the same time.
Years later I learned that my Doctor could have prescribed me prescription medication to stop my milk from coming in. Also, there are OTC choices to help. Lastly, I found out that I could have pumped and donated my breastmilk to a baby in need. No that I know different, I will share this priceless knowledge while also hoping that I never have anyone to share it with.
The following weekend my husband and I attended a NASCAR race and were in the infield almost the entire time. On Monday morning, as I got ready for work, I realized that I had not felt my baby move since Friday. Up until that point the baby was very active on a regular basis. I immediately panicked and became hysterical. I called my OB and spoke with a nurse who told me to come in right away. I saw the Dr., who told me that everything was fine; it was just because I was overweight and the baby changed positions that I could not feel movements.
I left feeling reassured, because the Doctor gave me an explanation. The next day at work I started feeling cramps, like during menstruation and they were quite frequent. I mentioned this to a few female co-workers during lunch. They all said it was normal. The cramps became more painful and frequent. I was worried, so I called my Dr. again & his nurse told me it was Braxton Hicks contractions and not to worry. I was 28 weeks,4 days at this point.
So, a few days later I saw my OB again, this time for my normal appt at 29 weeks. He used a Doppler to listen for the heartbeat and then asked me to get dressed and come into his office. I went in and he told me that he needed me to meet him at the hospital to confirm something.
I got to the hospital and was directed to Labor & Delivery. I was clueless as to what was happening. My Doctor came in with a portable ultrasound machine, did a quick ultrasound and told me "the baby does not have a heartbeat". From there, it was mostly a blur. I was induced and delivered our first child, a son about 12 hours later. I went home from the hospital without a baby and two days later endured my most difficult and painful Mother's Day ever.
The day after Mother's Day was even more horrible than the days before. I woke up with huge rocks where my breasts used to be. I was in shock and in a tremendous amount of pain. I had no idea my milk would come in. Naively, I thought that since my baby was born dead, my body would not produce milk. Not a single person at the Hospital had mentioned anything.
I called my OB's office and asked what I could do to alleviate the pain and make the milk go away. I was told to take ibuprofen and apply ice. That's it. I still remember being in extreme pain at my son's funeral, a week after he was born. It seemed so cruel that the same body that could not grow a healthy child could produce the miracle of breastmilk. I felt mocked and cheated all at the same time.
Years later I learned that my Doctor could have prescribed me prescription medication to stop my milk from coming in. Also, there are OTC choices to help. Lastly, I found out that I could have pumped and donated my breastmilk to a baby in need. No that I know different, I will share this priceless knowledge while also hoping that I never have anyone to share it with.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Jill's Story
Joshua was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. After 2 open heart surgeries, the first one at 3 days old, and the 2nd at 1 month old, Joshua passed away at 7 weeks old on Oct. 6, 2010. I pumped almost exclusively those 7 weeks and stored all of my pumped milk.
Just today, Oct. 22, I donated almost 900 ounces of my milk to the Indiana Milk Bank. Please visit my blog to follow our story.
Just today, Oct. 22, I donated almost 900 ounces of my milk to the Indiana Milk Bank. Please visit my blog to follow our story.
Michelle & Sawyer's Story
My son was born prematurely at 28 weeks via emergency csection. We knew he may be early, so we prepared mentally as best we could.
Because I had low fluid during the pregnancy, I did not know about his heart.
The day after he was born, we learned he had a very severe congenital heart defect named Tetralogy of Fallot with Pulmonary Atresia.
He died nearly 2 days after he was born, in my arms.
I honestly think my milk came in so quickly with my son because I was able to hold him against my chest when he died. I believe this kangaroo care brought so much out of me and him as well. I only wish that our time together, would have been much longer.
**Michelle has started Sawyer's Heart which hosted a Walk To Remember just last weekend, and plans to donate memory boxes in Sawyer's memory. Follow her project on Sawyer's Heart on facebook or on her Blog.
Because I had low fluid during the pregnancy, I did not know about his heart.
The day after he was born, we learned he had a very severe congenital heart defect named Tetralogy of Fallot with Pulmonary Atresia.
He died nearly 2 days after he was born, in my arms.
I honestly think my milk came in so quickly with my son because I was able to hold him against my chest when he died. I believe this kangaroo care brought so much out of me and him as well. I only wish that our time together, would have been much longer.
**Michelle has started Sawyer's Heart which hosted a Walk To Remember just last weekend, and plans to donate memory boxes in Sawyer's memory. Follow her project on Sawyer's Heart on facebook or on her Blog.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The OB said there would be no milk...
When I miscarried at 17 weeks I had to have a D & C. I asked about milk. The ObGyn said it was too early, there wouldn't be any. I had nursed my first child for 3+ years - she was 4 1/2 at the time. A couple of days after the D & C I was in the shower and my breasts were tender. I touch them and milk came out. I hand expressed in the shower for a couple of days. I had a similar experience a few years later, another second trimester miscarriage. At the time I was nursing my second daughter, she was 2 1/2 so any milk that would have come in was taken care of by nursing her.
~Leigh Anne
New York, NY
~Leigh Anne
New York, NY
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