by Amy
Even when I felt I'd lost everything, I still had something invaluable to give... Bryson’s “liquid gold” or breast milk and a chance at life for other sick infants. This realization came about when I felt that through my heartbreak, I still had some purpose as Bryson’s Mommy. (All thanks to my forever babies, Bryson and his previously past sibling, Joey Skylor, for giving me this insight. I'm such a proud Mommy! Even though their lives were so short and some people wouldn't even say they had lived, they have come together to save the lives of others.)
It is said that all life has a purpose, maybe the short lives of my angel babies were to inspire their Mommy, giving hope, courage, and the strength to save the life of someone else’s baby, though I could do nothing for my own. A woman who pumps breast milk is said to be expressing her milk. For me, donating Bryson’s breast milk is the only physical way to express my love for my angel babies; To keep their memory alive and give meaning to their short lives, not only to me but to complete strangers as well.
The other invaluable benefit would be to prevent another family from feeling the deepest, most horrific pain, grief, and despair ever imaginable… the loss of a precious child and all the hopes and dreams that went with that new little life. I have faith that the Lord, along with Bryson and Joey Skylor, will continue to help me through my grief and continue to guide me through the donation process.
As of today, January 22nd, 2011, exactly 12 weeks since Bryson was born, I have collected about 4200oz or about 32 gallons of his milk (pumping every 3-4 hours through the day and night). I often think back to a quote in Pat Schweibert’s book, When Hello Means Goodbye: “My body had its own grief. And its tears were white.” Mommy will always love you Joey Skylor and Bryson! You can read more about our story at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.
Amy's Faces of Hope story (just scroll down to the post date of Thursday, January 6, 2011). Amy's Faces of Loss story
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Links to Other Babyloss Blogs
Some of the links to other stories shared in our Survey:
http://balloonnature.blogspot.com/2010/07/heres-where-im-different.html
http://happy-sadmama.blogspot.com/2010/10/milk.html
http://bcmbreastfeedingcoalition.blogspot.com/2009/08/breasts-in-mourning.html
http://livinglajuicy.com/2009/10/14/the-dark-side-of-mommyhood/ and http://livinglajuicy.com/2010/10/13/10-13-10/
http://balloonnature.blogspot.com/2010/07/heres-where-im-different.html
http://happy-sadmama.blogspot.com/2010/10/milk.html
http://bcmbreastfeedingcoalition.blogspot.com/2009/08/breasts-in-mourning.html
http://livinglajuicy.com/2009/10/14/the-dark-side-of-mommyhood/ and http://livinglajuicy.com/2010/10/13/10-13-10/
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Cindy & Aiden's Story
My son was delivered stillborn at 22 weeks. He was beautiful and perfect. We named him Aiden, he was our first baby. My milk came in and I had no support or guidance. I was in hysterics on the phone with my doctors office asking for help. They offered vicodin (I am allergic to it) no sorry your baby died, nothing...
I had 3 more miscarriages total and now have 2 living children whom I breastfed. The experience I had with my stillborn son was horrific and I want to spare other moms the pain and loneliness I experienced. The breastfeeding experience with my living children was/is wonderful.
I am now studying to become a lactation consultant so that I can help other mothers with breastfeeding and also reach out to mothers who have lived through the loss of their baby.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story, in memory of our angel babies;
Aiden
Zachary
Keainey
Eireanne
and our living miracles
Cian and Chloe
I had 3 more miscarriages total and now have 2 living children whom I breastfed. The experience I had with my stillborn son was horrific and I want to spare other moms the pain and loneliness I experienced. The breastfeeding experience with my living children was/is wonderful.
I am now studying to become a lactation consultant so that I can help other mothers with breastfeeding and also reach out to mothers who have lived through the loss of their baby.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story, in memory of our angel babies;
Aiden
Zachary
Keainey
Eireanne
and our living miracles
Cian and Chloe
Rebecca's Story
My child was stillborn at six months gestation after an induced labor, when we were told he had absolutely no hope of surviving. He had a severe blockage in his ureter, so that urine had backed up into his abdominal cavity, damaging his kidneys, lungs and heart. The doctors said that he would either die before full term, or if he survived, he would either die shortly after birth or have a short and painful life of many, many operations and hospitalizations.
It was the most terrible decision I have ever made and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I couldn't bear the thought of just waiting for him to die while things just went more and more wrong inside of me....that didn't seem like the right parenting decision to me....there was no right choice, only a few shitty ones.
My milk came in the next day, the day we left him to be cremated. I was so tired, so bruised, and then my breasts were incredibly engorged and hot and painful. My poor body just wanted to feed my baby.
It was the most terrible decision I have ever made and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I couldn't bear the thought of just waiting for him to die while things just went more and more wrong inside of me....that didn't seem like the right parenting decision to me....there was no right choice, only a few shitty ones.
My milk came in the next day, the day we left him to be cremated. I was so tired, so bruised, and then my breasts were incredibly engorged and hot and painful. My poor body just wanted to feed my baby.
Kim's Daughter...
One evening in my 18th week of pregnancy I had a sharp pain in my abdomen that doubled me over. I was home alone, as my husband was working that evening. I called my ob who happened to be on call that night. After a long talk and the fact that I wasn't having any other discomfort, she told me it was probably a muscle cramp and to take it easy and call if anything else happened.
It was late and so I laid on the couch and dozed until my husband came home. I woke up at that time and was having a couple of "cramps". Now I realize they were contractions. Then I got up to go the bathroom and I was bleeding. I screamed for my husband. We got in the car and rushed to the hospital.
When we got there they took me back right away and then off to ultrasound. I could still hear her heartbeat during the ultrasound and saw her move. Found out when back in ER that "there's nothing we can do your baby is gone". I was in shock! I had just heard the heartbeat!! How can the baby be gone!
My doctor then showed up and we went to the birthing center. She explained that I was having a placental abruption. We were devastated. They were going to take me in for a D&C because I wouldn't stop bleeding, but I begged her not to and she agreed.
I was then taken to a room and given pitocin to help me deliver. About 1 1/2- 2 hrs. later I delivered my beautiful baby girl still completely in her bag of water. No nurse or doctor where in the room when I delivered. She was so tiny, 6 3/4" long, but fully formed with all her fingers and toes.
They came in and showed her to us and then took her and cleaned her up and dressed her and wrapped her in a blanket. I held her and we cried. My family was there with us for part of the time. I had to stay overnight because of the bleeding. They shouldn't make you stay in the birthing center when you've experienced a loss. You shouldn't have to be around all the happy people and hear babies crying.
They gave us the clothes she was wearing, the blanket, a picture and her hand & footprints. We decided to let her be used for research. I know to some that seems heartless, but for us it was a chance to help other families with the research obtained. For us it was our chance to give. We have a beautiful momento box my father made with every little thing I have that was given to us. Her name is: Emily Lenore Fusco Lost: 07/08/2001 She was our first angel and first child. We will always love her and miss her.
It was late and so I laid on the couch and dozed until my husband came home. I woke up at that time and was having a couple of "cramps". Now I realize they were contractions. Then I got up to go the bathroom and I was bleeding. I screamed for my husband. We got in the car and rushed to the hospital.
When we got there they took me back right away and then off to ultrasound. I could still hear her heartbeat during the ultrasound and saw her move. Found out when back in ER that "there's nothing we can do your baby is gone". I was in shock! I had just heard the heartbeat!! How can the baby be gone!
My doctor then showed up and we went to the birthing center. She explained that I was having a placental abruption. We were devastated. They were going to take me in for a D&C because I wouldn't stop bleeding, but I begged her not to and she agreed.
I was then taken to a room and given pitocin to help me deliver. About 1 1/2- 2 hrs. later I delivered my beautiful baby girl still completely in her bag of water. No nurse or doctor where in the room when I delivered. She was so tiny, 6 3/4" long, but fully formed with all her fingers and toes.
They came in and showed her to us and then took her and cleaned her up and dressed her and wrapped her in a blanket. I held her and we cried. My family was there with us for part of the time. I had to stay overnight because of the bleeding. They shouldn't make you stay in the birthing center when you've experienced a loss. You shouldn't have to be around all the happy people and hear babies crying.
They gave us the clothes she was wearing, the blanket, a picture and her hand & footprints. We decided to let her be used for research. I know to some that seems heartless, but for us it was a chance to help other families with the research obtained. For us it was our chance to give. We have a beautiful momento box my father made with every little thing I have that was given to us. Her name is: Emily Lenore Fusco Lost: 07/08/2001 She was our first angel and first child. We will always love her and miss her.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Britton's Story
We were full term (38 1/2 weeks) with our second child, our first son, Kenton, and went to the hospital on Wed. night to induce him. The nurse brought me into the room and began to hook up the contraction and heart rate monitor, and immediately I knew that SOMETHING was wrong. She stayed calm and tried to reassure me, but they brought in an ultrasound technician, and they wouldn't tell me anything, but I have had enough us's in my life to know that there was no heartbeat.
Finally the nurse came back in the room after having called my OB to tell me that the heartbeat just wasn't there. It was a total shock, and then the realization hit me that I was still going to have to go through the delivery process... during that 6 1/2 hours, I went through all of the stages of grief, but with the support of my amazing husband and family, we decided right then and there that we were going to find some way to use this as an opportunity to serve others.
We cried, mourned, prayed, etc. over and over again, but even in the midst of our grief, there was an unbelievable sense of peace that God placed over us. It allowed me to know God even better - my son had been taken from me, but God sent His son to die for us - and as morbid as that might sound, it made me feel better!
The next day I had the daunting task of trying to tell our 2 1/2 year old daughter what happened to the baby brother she had been waiting for so long to meet. She took it surprisingly well, although I know that there will come a time or two that she will need more explanation.
My sister-in-law is a doula and lactation specialist, so she is the one who suggested donating the milk, but she didn't get there until 3 days later. I pumped 3 times a day or whenever I felt full to avoid engorgement. I wish I had someone on staff at the hospital who was there at the beginning of our journey mention all the possibilities to me.
I do want to share out there to other women who might be going through this to take pictures with their baby - a great organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep took pictures of Kenton that I will treasure forever, and will be great when my daughter and future children grow up and ask about their brother.
Keep your treasures - it's not holding on to the past, but hanging on to a piece of what lies in your future when you get to hold your happy baby in Heaven!
Finally the nurse came back in the room after having called my OB to tell me that the heartbeat just wasn't there. It was a total shock, and then the realization hit me that I was still going to have to go through the delivery process... during that 6 1/2 hours, I went through all of the stages of grief, but with the support of my amazing husband and family, we decided right then and there that we were going to find some way to use this as an opportunity to serve others.
We cried, mourned, prayed, etc. over and over again, but even in the midst of our grief, there was an unbelievable sense of peace that God placed over us. It allowed me to know God even better - my son had been taken from me, but God sent His son to die for us - and as morbid as that might sound, it made me feel better!
The next day I had the daunting task of trying to tell our 2 1/2 year old daughter what happened to the baby brother she had been waiting for so long to meet. She took it surprisingly well, although I know that there will come a time or two that she will need more explanation.
My sister-in-law is a doula and lactation specialist, so she is the one who suggested donating the milk, but she didn't get there until 3 days later. I pumped 3 times a day or whenever I felt full to avoid engorgement. I wish I had someone on staff at the hospital who was there at the beginning of our journey mention all the possibilities to me.
I do want to share out there to other women who might be going through this to take pictures with their baby - a great organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep took pictures of Kenton that I will treasure forever, and will be great when my daughter and future children grow up and ask about their brother.
Keep your treasures - it's not holding on to the past, but hanging on to a piece of what lies in your future when you get to hold your happy baby in Heaven!
Elijah Patrick Cropp
Elijah Patrick Cropp was born on March 20, 2008 at 8:20pm in Nashville, Tennessee. He was born still after an umbilical cord accident in utero. He was absolutely perfect!
I had the priviledge of having personal midwives attend my birth. They were my friends, we worked together. My birth was everything I wanted it to be under the circumstances.
The days and weeks that followed were the worst in my life, ever. But, thinking back to my birth I am not saddened, I am overjoyed with the time I had with my son. I wish I had held him skin-to-skin and taken pictures of his naked body. We were blessed to have a photographer with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come to take fabulous pictures of our family.
I miss my little Elijah something terrible. However, we have had another child since then and she has been a healing power in my life. She is a distraction, not a replacement. Grief of Elijah gets easier and easier with time; but I also hate that it gets easier. Nursing my babies is a huge part of my life. I wish I had been able to nurse Elijah. You can peek into our world by watching our slideshow.
I had the priviledge of having personal midwives attend my birth. They were my friends, we worked together. My birth was everything I wanted it to be under the circumstances.
The days and weeks that followed were the worst in my life, ever. But, thinking back to my birth I am not saddened, I am overjoyed with the time I had with my son. I wish I had held him skin-to-skin and taken pictures of his naked body. We were blessed to have a photographer with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come to take fabulous pictures of our family.
I miss my little Elijah something terrible. However, we have had another child since then and she has been a healing power in my life. She is a distraction, not a replacement. Grief of Elijah gets easier and easier with time; but I also hate that it gets easier. Nursing my babies is a huge part of my life. I wish I had been able to nurse Elijah. You can peek into our world by watching our slideshow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)